North Star Mental Fitness

When Right and Wrong Thinking is Wrong

It Is Not a Matter of Being Right or Wrong in Your Marriage!

It Is Only a Matter of Being Genuine, Committed and Honest!

Remember, We Live within the Marriages or Divorces Created by Our Choices!

From

Dr. Hal and the North Star Mental Fitness Program

Does Your Child Have an Empty Heart?

Read about Empty Heart, if you are a parent who acts as if your children don't feel.  Please read about Empty Heart, if you have purposely, inappropriately or unwittingly rejected or unnecessarily been angry towards your children.

The Power of Acceptance

There is power in acceptance! 

Action: Knowledge, Expectation, Acceptance and Recognition with out Action Fails

Oftentimes, our cars need gas at the most inconvenient times.  It does not matter where you are going or why.  When your car is empty or approaches emptiness, there is a sense of urgency that takes priority over all of your plans and goals.  You must find a gas station.

Have you noticed that you or your significant other, oftentimes, are empty or approach emptiness at the most inconvenient times?

Have you ever wondered why we did not have the same sense of urgency to satisfy our or our significant other's wants and needs?  Probably our significant others would not know what to do, if we put on hold our important plans in order to be sensitive to the wants and needs of our spouses and children.

We must act to self-actualize ourselves by pursuing our wants and needs and goals.

We also must become sensitive and responsive to our significant other's wants, needs and goals, whenever they are empty or approach emptiness.

Knowing our significant others have wants and needs is not enough for having good relationships. 

Expecting, accepting and recognizing, on a daily basis, our significant others are empty or signaling emptiness is not enough for having satisfying and sensitive relationships.

Action is necessary but what kind of action?

1.  Listening and by listening you communicate that your significant others are important and you trust their ability to manage their lives.

2. Communicating your nurturing feelings and values regarding your significant others.

3.  Keeping promises.

4. Independently and consistently assuming responsibilities and chores necessary for your relationship to survive.

5. Paying attention without making judgments and demeaning comments.

Remember, it is normal for you and your significant others to become empty at the most inconvenient times. I hope that this series will help you become more responsive to your wants and needs and the wants and needs of your significant others.

Remember, You Will Live within the Relationships Created by Your Choices!

Dr. Hal

Life and Mental Fitness Coach

The other posts in regard to emptiness and signals of emptiness are:

1. If You Can Drive a Car, You Can Have Satisfying and Sensitive Relationships!
2. Knowledge: Do You Really Know?
3. Expectations: What Do You Expect?
4. Expectations: What to Expect in Your Relationships?
5. Identify Signals; Not Problems; Not Symptoms!
6. Acceptance: Can You Really Accept?
7. Recognition: Expectation and Acceptance without Recognition Fails

Recognition: Expectation and Acceptance Without Recognition Fails

Divorce is inevitable, when people do not expect, identify, accept and recognize emptiness and signals of emptiness in themselves or their partners.  Dysfunctional relationships are also the results of people's failure to understand emptiness and signals of emptiness.

You may expect and accept your car to approach empty on a regular basis.  However, if you fail to recognize the message given to you by the gas gage, you are destined to sit at the side of the road.  Failure to recognize signals of emptiness and emptiness is the prescription for prolonged emptiness and eventual failure. 

With cars, it is easy to recognize the signal, because we only have one place to look in order to find the signal.  Since humans have enumerable signals of emptiness, it is more difficult to recognize your significant other's signals.

Sometimes the signals will be thoughts (I think our relationship sucks) or feelings (you don't love me anymore).  Sometimes the signals will be seen in behavior (dirty looks or slamming doors) or in your relationship (arguing and avoiding each other).  Sometimes the signals of emptiness will be seen in activities (affairs, irresponsible spending and engaging in self-defeating behaviors).

It is necessary to recognize signals of emptiness when they occur.  It is important to interpret and understand our partner's signals of emptiness are not weaknesses, criticisms or attempts to control us. 

It is very important for us to recognize when our partners have wants, needs or desires to fulfill themselves.  If we want satisfying and satisfactory interpersonal relationships with our significant others, it is important to recognize their individuality without feeling rejected or ignored.

By accepting and recognizing your significant other's signals of emptiness as only signals of emptiness, you can have an inner peace in stead of emotional pain and your significant others will realize that you are there for them.

Live in the now! Let us recognize when we are empty and our significant others are empty.  If we do not recognize emptiness and signals of emptiness in ourselves and our significant others, we are destined to have dysfunctional relationships, emotional detachment and divorce.

Dr. Hal

Life and Mental Fitness Coach

The other posts in regard to emptiness and signals of emptiness are:

1. If You Can Drive a Car, You Can Have Satisfying and Sensitive Relationships!
2. Knowledge: Do You Really Know?
3. Expectations: What Do You Expect?
4. Expectations: What to Expect in Your Relationships?
5. Identify Signals; Not Problems; Not Symptoms!
6. Acceptance: Can You Really Accept?

Acceptance: Can You Really Accept?

Can you accept what you don't like in your husband or wife?  Are you willing to accept what you don't like instead of expecting your spouse to change?

Oftentimes, what we don't like in our relationships or our partners are signals of emptiness! 

Most of time we wish that we would not have to deal with the disgusting, frightening and obnoxious signals of emptiness in our spouses or ourselves.  We expect

Identify Signals; Not Problems; Not Symptoms!

Identify signals is the fifth blog in the series, If You Can Drive a Car, You Can Have Satisfying and Sensitive Relationships.  So far we have established

Expectations: What Do You Expect?

If you know how to drive a car, you have all of the psychological tools to have a refreshed self-concept and empowered, satisfying and sensitive relationships.  This statement may sound like an over-statement, but it is true.

Knowledge! Do You Really Know?

If you can drive a car, you have the ability to have a good self-concept and form satisfying and sensitive relationships!

We automatically goes through many psychological processes effortlessly when it comes to understanding the importance of fuel and reading signals when it comes to driving a car.  It may surprise you how many psychological processes we successfully apply in interpreting what our car's need.

Unfortunately, we fail to effortlessly apply these same psychological processes in regard to our self-concepts and our relationships. 

I am going to present these five psychological processes that we automatically apply in driving, but, oftentimes, fail to use regarding our self-concept and our relationships.  As a result are self-concept are, oftentimes, parked on empty and our relationship's stall.

KNOWLEDGE is the first psychological process necessary for successfully driving a car.  We must know:

1. A vehicle needs fuel, oil, grease and water to function.
   
2. We know our cars can be anywhere between empty and full.
   
3. We know it is normal for a car to range from empty to full.
   
4. A vehicle has signals to make sure our cars run.
   
5. We have to give our cars fuel oil, grease and water when the signal approaches empty.
    

Do we really know?  Do we really know:

1. People have wants, needs and actions that they must act upon to take care of themselves.
   
2. Do you really know what your wants, needs and actions are necessary to do to take care of you?
   
3. Do you really know that your significant others have wants, needs and actions they need to satisfy in order to take care of themselves?
   
4. Do you really know that it is normal for you and your significant others to range from empty to full?
   
5. Do you really know that you and your significant others will have signals of emptiness, when you or your significant others are empty?
   
6. Do you really know that it is normal for you and your significant others to have signals of emptiness when you or your significant others are empty?
   
7. Do you really know that is necessary for you to respond to your and your significant other's wants, needs and actions self-care?

KNOWLEDGE:  The first step to having a full self-concept, is to realize that you have wants, needs and must take actions to take care of yourself.  The first step to having satisfying and sensitive interpersonal relationships is to understand the importance of other people's wants, needs and self-determination regarding taking care of themselves.  It is important to know that wants, needs and self-determination are normal!

The second step to having a full self-concept, is to realize that you will have signals when you are empty or approaching empty.  The second step for having satisfying and sensitive interpersonal relationships is to understand that your significant others will have signals of emptiness, when they are empty.  Signals of emptiness again are normal.

The third step is to realize that actions are necessary when you or your significant other's are experiencing emptiness and there are signals of emptiness.  Actions will be necessary to have a full self-concept.  Fulfilling actions will be necessary once we realize our significant other has unmet wants, needs or needs to engage in this self-actualizing behavior.

Remember, We Live within the Self-Concepts and Relationships Created by Our Choices!

Dr. Hal

Life and Mental Fitness Coach

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It Is Okay!

Acceptance-what is acceptance? 

Yesterday I had the opportunity to talk to more than one client about acceptance.  The first client was struggling with depression and anger precipitated by his loss of health.  For him the change in his health "was not okay"!

Another one of my clients has had a life repeatedly punctured by death.  During her adolescent years, her brother committed suicide.  Her husband was killed in an accident.  She has recently gone through a divorce.  Of all these losses, the loss of her brother has been the most difficult to accept.  For her these deaths "were not okay".

Acceptance is learning how to turn "what is not okay" into "it is okay".  Acceptance is a long process, not a superficial, fleeting thought.

Death is probably one of the most difficult events in our lives to accept.  Especially the unexpected death or the death of a young, healthy child or adolescent.  It is extremely difficult to accept the suicidal death of a loved one.  Even the death of a loved, older person is difficult to accept.

It is hard to accept the harsh reality of death at the time of the death.  At that time, it is often impossible to accept.  Every part of us shouts out "it is not okay".  Sometimes we are in denial.  Sometimes we are angry, depressed, confused and lost.  We blame ourselves and wish we would have done more.  We must push away guilt, but it still lingers.

Much has been written about the stages of grief.  The last stage is acceptance.  But you might ask, what is acceptance?  A simple way of knowing acceptance is to think and feel "it is okay".

My client who had lost her brother, believes she has accepted his death.  She has accepted her brother's death death, although the reality of death never really leaves for very long. 

She was stunned, when I asked her if her brother's death was okay.  Sure although she believes she has accepted her brother's death, she couldn't say "it is okay".  She needs to think about whether she can say "it is okay" that her brother died.  She really needs to think about whether "it is okay" that he died by killing himself.

 Acceptance and serenity, which are generated by progressing through the steps of grief, can lead us to say "it is okay", when we have lost a loved one no matter what the circumstances are.  "It is okay" does not minimize the importance of the deceased person to us.  Rather it signifies our acceptance of the reality of death and our freedom from painful emotions and guilt associated with loss.

Consider the goal of being able to say "it is okay", when confronted with death and any significant loss.  "It is okay "is not giving in and being weak.  Quite the contrary, we are strong when we can accept the painful reality of death and set a goal to live our life to the fullest.

It does not matter that the nature of the losses.  It could be the losses associated with aging, illness, unemployment, divorce or retirement.  We must learn to turn "it is not okay" to "it is okay"!  We must realize that acceptance is the beginning of life and of growth.

Remember, We Live Within the Environment Created by Our Choices and Our Thoughts!